What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
🚲+physics = winner
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Trying
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?