Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers