i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck