Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
That’s it.I’m out.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.