Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …