We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Haha good job!!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”