Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.