Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Your secret is safeish with me
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”