I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right