I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
You Might Also Like
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time