me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
just left a huge legacy in there
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”