Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
You Might Also Like
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes