LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
scares
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house