Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
You Might Also Like
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.