“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
True.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.