I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
You Might Also Like
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles