Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
me doing my best
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet