[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
You Might Also Like
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random