Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.