A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Taking phone security to the next level.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV