There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)