Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs