NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.