My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
You Might Also Like
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know