me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!