Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs