But is it really??
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Ha.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I am having an out of money experience.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised