I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol