Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
You Might Also Like
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can