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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
mariah carrie
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Yes my dude
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender