This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.