I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
NEW ROOMMATE: What鈥檚 mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i鈥檒l take it
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark鈥ust ask my father-in-law.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I鈥檝e volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we鈥檒l ever find the guy who did it
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
There鈥檚 so much going on 馃槀馃槀馃槀
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I identify as an antique shop.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she鈥檚 going to get a reputation.
I don鈥檛 think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That鈥檚 pretty basic stuff.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 馃グ
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I鈥檒l always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I鈥檒l be over there for you.