Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.