*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.