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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”