I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.