Did my cat write this
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Lmfao
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or