[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.