The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The old gods are rising again.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My dog learned how to text
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Velcrow
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.