[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.