probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
dam girl
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.