Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
What?!?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin