Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
FINE, I WON’T.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.