2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I bet birds love this building.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
set yourself free xox
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall