Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.