I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.