Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
You Might Also Like
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
it must be school picture day
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free