APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?