our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
good let them take over I have had enough
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.