Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.